Being Present

When we are first-born we need love and nurturing to survive. We have an instinctual need for connection, for attention. As we experience connection we are essentially bonding. This early bonding process creates a feel good chemical called oxytocin which is responsible for nurturing our family and social relationships.

Love and attention go hand in hand. A baby freely cries out to have its needs met. They readily communicate both their physical and emotional needs. When a baby cries you check it out to see what they need. Are they in need of a diaper change, are they hungry, are they cold, are they scared?

We don’t need to second guess an infant’s behaviour as a power play or a control issue or take it personal. (Not unless you already have some issues of your own going on.) We tend to be more present and attentive and deal with ‘what is’ when they are infants.

Imagine how your world would be if you paid that much attention and were that patient with yourself today!

Our children are gifts; they are our legacy and our future. Children are also our greatest teachers. We all started out as young, vulnerable, open and innocent children. We had simple needs, to be loved and attended to or nurtured. The most important people in the world to us are our parents and care givers. From the very beginning we want more than anything else to please them and to know that they love us and that we are okay.

As infants and small children we don’t speak cognitive  thoughts, we feel. We feel if we are picked up lovingly or impatiently. We feel Mommy’s ease or tension. This emotional connection is very evident in breastfeeding as infants nurse better when Mom is calm and relaxed as opposed to being stressed or anxious. We instinctually react to the sounds of laughing, music, loud noises or yelling. We react to isolation, fear and loneliness. We are absorbing information from the people and environment around us. Very early on we can notice or discern what feels comfortable and what feels uncomfortable.
All children want is for you to tell and show them that they are okay and that they are loved or lovable. To a child attention is connection and the most important need of a child from the time they are born is to feel loved, protected and accepted thus they seek attention! Underlying everything they do or say is the inner question:
“Can you love me now?” “Do you love me now?”

How are you being present and available for your kids? How can you assure them today that they are loved and lovable? More importantly are you being kind and loving to yourself today?

Christmas, is traditionally a time of festivity, family visits parties and community events.  It is a time of celebration with gifts exchanged, turkey dinners; sing a long’s and games.  The holidays are a great family time for laughing, sharing and remembering the antics of Christmas past. Christmas is a time to celebrate life and the joy and innocence of the child within us all. We celebrate with traditions of Christmas trees, colorful decorations and music filling the air with a sense of joy and playfulness.

For some the joy of the holiday season has been replaced or overridden with stress, worry, anxiety, obligations, and overload.  Do you find yourself being a little ‘Scrooge like’ and dreading this busy time of year,  condemning it for becoming too commercial, too expensive and having far too many things to do and not enough time to do them.  “I hate shopping with crowds, line ups, kids and confusion”. “I can’t afford to get what I want.”  “I don’t have any time to bake, clean, and get ready for quests.”  When all the shopping, wrapping and cooking feel like a chore or obligation, the spirit of sharing, giving and receiving is denied for both yourself and your family.

This way of thinking or believing can indeed rob us of our playfulness and squash the spirit of the season. This is a time to realize that whatever stressful or dreaded feelings you may be having about this whole season come from a place in your mind that is still emotionally attached to the past. You can pay attention, catch it, stop listening to the drama in your mind and simply choose to make this holiday season what you want it to be.  If you want it to be peaceful, BE PEACEFUL; pick peaceful thoughts, bring peace to moments with the kids, be the calm in the eye of the storm, because you can

Step in prepared. When going shopping I recommend drinking a large glass of water to fill the solar plexus for grounding and balance.  Set a mental intention to enjoy the chaos and off you go. You have choice. You can find delight focusing on the hustle and bustle of the crowds, the busy buzz of people, and indeed the bright and cheery music, decorations and colors that great you everywhere.

The blessing is we have all been given the gift of conscious awareness that gives us the power of choice. We have the ability to catch ourselves with our negative self talk and can choose a new attitude and approach to the moment, the day, the season.  When you choose an attitude of acceptance for what is, you more easily release resistance and stress and can even find humor and laughter in the absurdity of crowded parking lots, thirty minute line ups, over tired cashiers and weather challenges to boot.

As this is the season of gifts, gift yourself and your family with the gift of presence. Practice being present and coming back to present by taking a slow deep breath and remembering what the season is really all about. Practice coming back to the moment, give yourself permission to simply do your best and enjoy it all in the spirit of the season.

*Give yourself the gift of time. Take time to be present, time to sit and prioritize, time to plan, time to prepare, time to take action and time to rest.  Make time  to write a list of what needs to be done, what time frame it requires (and then add 30 minutes),  and what you need to accomplish the task. Christmas is a family affair not a one woman production. Engage the kids whenever you can and watch them beam with pride at being a part of it.  Remember little ones are stressed with excitement, anticipation, sugar, and probably over tired so be kind and gentle with them and with yourself.  Children pick up on your stress as well so there is no need to take them personal.  Simply acknowledge their feelings, acknowledge your feelings, take a breath, and follow through consciously.  Christmas is an opportunity to make marvelous memories together. What we ultimately remember the most is how it all made us feel.

*One way to create a time line and a state of preparedness is to find a quiet time to relax, close your eyes and visualize the unfolding of the day the way you’d like it to be.  Imagine all the detail, preparation and schedule for each part of the day. Imagine asking for and getting help. Imagine how you’ll feel, the energy of the room, the joy of the others, the delight on kids faces and know you are blessed.  Realize it is how we handle things that matters and you can choose to be present, stay out of any drama, in your own mind or belonging to others, and enjoy the day.

*Gift yourself with the commitment of keeping to a realistic budget.  We all know that January and February are notorious months for depression, illness and even suicide.  Too many times it is because these people came from fears, and  obligations, spent beyond their means and financially hurt themselves to live up to some unhealthy beliefs of should and expectations  from others.   Be generous of heart not pocket-book. The true gifts of the season are joy, laughter, delight, gratitude, and compassion. Christmas is for the kid in all of us. The attitude of Christmas is “How can I play with this?”

*Be grateful for what you can do, rather than worrying about what you can’t do or afford. It is a time to be generous in both giving and receiving.  We need good receivers to bless others with the opportunity to give. Graciously accept the help that is offered. T’is the season to be smiling not stressing. Attitude is the key. Be open to small gifts and blessings all day from perfect parking spots, getting the last one on the shelf, finding the perfect card to a good night’s sleep.  Use whatever distractions you can to stay in the spirit; put on happy music to bake and clean, purposely slow down and hum to yourself, look with ‘soft eyes’ and see the delight in it all. You can even chant to yourself, “this too shall pass, this too shall pass.”

*Finally, bless yourself with self-care and be up for it all. When Mom is healthy and happy everyone wins. Take Vitamin C, B complex, remember your Omega 3’s for nerves, Vitamin D for sunshine and more teas than coffee and pop to fuel the day. Don’t be SAD, take 5-HTP to elevate the feel-good hormone serotonin. Consider drinking relaxing herb teas like Chamomile or use gentle  Melatonin for restorative sleep. Keep healthy choice finger foods for snacking and drink lots of water. Let love and joy rule your heart versus stress and obligation and you bless your world. May the joys of the season stay with you always. Trish D

Have you ever thought about what service is or means to you?  For me an important part of service is not the act or service itself but rather ‘how you do the service’.  Have you ever had a dining or air line experience that you later declared was poor service?  What did that poor service entail for you?  What makes good service?

Consider service as a state of mind.  If you do a service begrudgingly or resentfully it is no longer a service it is more like a chore or an obligation.   I believe to be of true service you surrender your own agenda and respond to a moment and a call in your heart. It just feels good to jump ahead and open a door, give someone directions, lend a helping hand, do a favor, smile in encouragement or give a hug.

Being of service could be as simple as recognizing your spouse or child is down in the dumps and so you plan a favorite dinner or make a desert. You could volunteer to tape their favorite show  if they are  running late or pick something up for them.  Service can be calling your friend because you were thinking of her and know it will cheer her up. Service is helping the cook with the dishes as a thank you for the time. preparation and good food.

Service is like an honoring. Honoring the needs of another and spontaneously responding with your heart. There are ample opportunities and moments in our daily lives to be of service. I had a recent opportunity to remember the true nature of service myself.

Hurley in Cat Cage

Pete and I have a two year old cat named Hurley and recently adopted an old cat named Sisco.  Pete and I share litter jobs,  him doing the inside one and me doing the outside two. We have an enclosed kitty cage off the patio where they are safe from cars and coyotes. The old guy Sisco has been a bit of a challenge as he pee’s so much in his old age. Now I have to go out and clean the litter boxes twice a day. Getting up late and expecting clients any minute I remembered I still had to do the litter. Begrudgingly stepping outside I dismayed at the wind and sleet probably wrecking my hair. Just as I caught myself about to grumble down about it all, my inner witness nudged me to remember they needed me.  Anyone with cats knows that they will not use a full litter box and indeed will find a new spot. As I went about my task I thought of a human equivalent that made me laugh as I related to the cats with a little more compassion. I thought of times I had entered public washroom stalls only to be dismayed at the site of an un-flushed bowl of brown. If you are like me you try for a new stall many doors down. Well it is just like that for cats I’m sure. They too are disgusted and instinctively move on. Shifting my thoughts I felt gratitude that “at least I get to breathe clean air as I do the deed and  it really does serve us both.”

I encourage you to check your attitude when you volunteer or are asked to be of service and remember to come from your heart. PS. You can also step up and be the one to flush the toilet before you do move on

Have fun finding ways to be of service this week, feel free to share and remember to serve and be kind to yourself first and foremost

It was a real hot day with intermittent  threats of  thunder storm rolling in from the west.  I was not alone in my waiting game however. There I sat with all four doors open because tucked ever so safely behind me in the back  were two empty propane tanks to fill.  The safest thing to do was to wait until I had met with J before filling them and heading straight home.

So I waited and waited and waited. I had so much to do in my office and home with a class coming up it began to weigh on my mind. I walked back and forth back and forth all the while my eyes peeled across the street to where J worked out of and would ultimately drop of his truck. In order to keep my eye on the traffic I walked backwards and in circles to entertain myself. I was getting frustrated.

I tried distracting myself with looking at things around me. Cars coming and going, people loading groceries, the gas station, the flags at the dealership, the clutter and garbage all over the ground, the stray carts sittings about and of course the clouds in the sky.

I was getting bored, hot and impatient. Muttering to myself, “what a mess people make. No one takes time anymore to put things a way.”   There you go, something to focus my frustration on.

Never wanting to pressure the busy busy man I held out until 6.30 before dialing his cell. “Hello” answers Amanda from home. “Hello?” “OH, Jason forgot his cell today and I have no way to reach him.”  “I see” says I,  working on my calm and patient voice. Cheery as always I assured her it was all good, I was fine, it was too important to give up and drive home.

Oh ya. It might help to explain that I live 30 minutes West of the Safeway and Jason and Amanda live 40 minutes East. By now we were both hoping he had remembered and didn’t head straight home being so late.So I waited. I walked, it rained, the wind blew and I waited.

By 7.30 I was thinking  “Gee whiz, this is getting ridiculous. Amanda had said that worse case scenario he would have to bring the contract all the way out to me and then  make the extra long ride home.

No. Can’t do that. Besides I really could use his help with lifting the tanks back in once they were full.

It began to rain a little harder and the wind started blowing all the garbage around. I jumped back in the car, closed the doors but opened two windows and watched the dance. That’s when the magic happened. As I became mesmerized by the dance of liter with the wind I began to feel better. I began to lighten up. It was delightful to watch.

About then the storm had passed and the sun brilliantly shone down on the scene before me. The litter had circled in swirls and dropped in little circles and piles. Some had ended up on cars and in weird places all around me.  Someone’s sure going to have a mess to pick up I smiled.

Then I grinned from ear to ear and remembered “I am a somebody” Enjoying the intense heat differently with a smile on my face I set out to play.

I took the nearest stray cart and began maneuvering around the parking lot filling it with debris. Some people gave me some pretty funny looks but I just smiled back and wished them a good day. They probably thought I was bag lady. In no time at all I had done a supper job and I felt on top of the world. Jason showed up ten minutes later, helped with the propane and I went home smiling and grateful.

I had remembered the message from a Zen story I heard from Cheri Huber long ago. On a month long silent retreat at a Monastery, a women was daily distressed as she walked up to the meditation room twice each day. As she reached the top stair she was greeted with sight of a mop in a bucket of water. Each day she sat in silence, listened to the teachings about service and grace and meditated. By the end of a week the bucket of water was interrupting her meditations. it was disgusting her as the smell began to reach her before she rounded the top stair. Silently she would scream. “SOMEBODY SHOULD CLEAN THAT UP!”  Day after day she meditated, she listened, she meditated until one day, as she stopped to stare judgmentally yet again, it dawned on her “Hey I am a somebody” and promptly took care of the mop and pail.

How could you be a somebody today and lighted up your world?